msrivercity.com

Inspired by all the emails, tweets, and blog requests I get daily. If you know me, you know I joke a lot so don’t get your panties all bunched up in a wedgie. And this post isn’t to say there aren’t a lot of really good tunes being made – I’m not one of those people who constantly complains about how dead rap is nowadays. But there’s an abundance of watered-down, over-done, and uncreative new crap making its way into our inboxes. Lately I’ve been dusting off some classic 90’s albums – rap, hip hop, pop and indie rock – ripping them to mp3 and replacing y’all new dudes.

Before you even think of writing about the following topics, remember, it’s been done already, re-done, remixed and autotuned. You’re too late.

Fuck the Police
We all hate the police, but you ain’t N.W.A. so we’re not looking to you as a leader of the anti-establishment revolution. Just pay your parking tickets and rap about the weather.

Money, Cars, Clothes, Hoes
All 4 of these things are considered one materialistic topic we’re tired of seeing in your little homemade hip hop videos. Yeah, yeah, you got your income tax check and balled out. Now sell some albums.

The Ghetto
We get it, you struggled. So did the rest of us. If you’re going to tell us about it, tell us something we don’t know and haven’t heard 1,000 times already from a better rapper.

Real N*ggas
Plies already beat this dead horse to hell. And every other Florida rapper since then. Just don’t.

Case in Point:

Mary Jane Metaphors
All that mary jane made you lose your sense anyway. You can’t even remember the 10,000 Mary Jane songs other people wrote before you quit your job at Subway and bought a mic with the child support money you withheld. Put down the blunt and research some better topics.

Pistol Metaphors
Tupac & Nas already mastered the pistol-in-reference-to-a-person analogy. You can’t do it better. No really, you can’t. That’s not a challenge, it’s a fact.

Molly / Bath Salt / Any other drug that can be made with Clorox and Furniture Polish
Lean songs went out of style last year, hopefully Molly will too. Y’all don’t even know what good molly is anyway. Once rappers get ahold of a drug they dilute it so bad it takes twice as much to get fucked up. A baby couldn’t get a buzz off the Molly y’all are mixing up. If you really want to get high, go ask the rock-n-rollers what they’re snorting these days. Rule exception: Jackie Chain is the only rapper allowed to make anymore Molly songs, because he probably invented the shit.

White Girl
Nobody even does powder anymore, not since like the 80s. So who exactly are you trafficking it to? Back to the Colombians for a refund? Not to mention White Girl songs leave out a huge potential fan base of Asian and Latino Girls. I’m sure they want some love too. Us white girls are tired of you rappers anyway. *drops mic and hits snooze button*